In the last 5 posts, we have covered physical and verbal abuse patterns, but this is, in concise form, how to spot an abuser before you marry one.
“My boyfriend gets furious when I won’t dump all my friends and spend all my time with him. I was so thrilled to have a devoted boyfriend, that I ignored all he warning signs of abuse. I convinced myself that he loved me and that things would get better with time. I was wrong – completely wrong.” 1
It cannot be emphasized enough that red flags and warning signs are minimized and justified at your own peril!
Typically, the troubling behaviour intensifies the longer you are together – especially after marriage when he feels that he now owns you.
The most telling sign is fear
FEAR> constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up > can’t trust him
FEELING BELITTLED> feeling like you can’t do anything right > feeling put down, humiliated, embarassed > your opinions, needs and accomplishments are ignored
FEELING CONTROLLED> things usually have to go his way > he expects physical intimacy before marriage > he checks up on you
FEELING ISOLATED> overly jealous > he views others as a threat
FEELING THREATENED> access to car, money, phone or family is sometimes blocked > he restricts your freedom of movement by grabbing your arm or blocking your path
FEELING BLAMED> you feel guilt for his unhappiness or anger 2
What does an abuser look like?
CHARMING> smothers you with gifts and praise > pushes for an exclusive relationship using phrases like, “I couldn’t live without you.”
JEALOUS> views others as a threat > accuses you of flirting
MANIPULATIVE> easily detects vulnerability and uses it as a weapon to control, belittle, demean
CONTROLLING> checks on where you are or where you have been > uses verses to coerce you into things that you are doubtful of – ex: while dating – “You should start practicing being submissive now.”
VICTIM-MENTALITY> doesn’t take responsibility for poor choices > never at fault
NARCISSIST> the whole world revolves around him and his needs > secretly invigorated by the fact that you live in fear of his next outburst
INCONSISTENT> mood swings
CRITICAL> verbally assaults others
DISCONNECTED> isolation from family and friends forces you into total submission
HYPERSENSITIVE> slightest offense sends him ranting > everyone is “out to get him”
CRUEL> harms children and animals
INSINCERELY REPENTANT> will swear to “never do that again.” 3
Should I break up?
No one is ready for marriage until they find their completeness in God alone. A dissatisfied single will be an emotional leech, depending on his/her new spouse for happiness.
God didn’t tell Adam, “It’s not good for man to be single.” He said, “It’s not good for man to be alone.” Man needs companionshiop and, until you’re ready for marriage, potential companions with whom you can fellowship and share life, male and female, are all around you!
No spouse is a thousand times better than an abusive spouse.
As stated in post 1, every week in Australia one woman dies at the hand of her abusive husband/partner!
When an abuser loses control, he will likely go into a rage. Therefore you need a plan if you are going to break up with one. Tell someone you can trust and get help. Post 2 on Domestic Violence has many places to call or sites to look up with info and ideas.
And don’t believe the lie that it’s not abuse until he hits you.
3 Essentials to a Thriving Relationship
Both individuals contribute honesty, caring, respect, responsibility, and repentance. Mutual fulfillment through mutual sacrifice. 2 Corinthians 6:11-13; I Corinthians 7:3-4; I Peter 3:1-2,7.
Both give and both receive. There is not a double standard whereby one person gets all the goodies while the other sacrificially does most of the work. 2 Corinthians 8:13-14
You are allowed to make choices, to give input, and to express your feelings without fear of being badgered, manipulated and punished. You are not afraid to be yourself or feel pressured into being something you’re not.
We’ve all witnessed the results in world history, religious groups and families where members have to do and say and be what the person in charge tells them.
Naturally, I don’t mean freedom to do what you want regardless of what the other person feels. All healthy reltionships need freedom to disagree, to respectfully challenge someone’s decisions and to be the person God made them to be. 4
Having your freedom of movement, choices, friends and expressions restricted by your husband is unhealthy and unbiblical . . . and you DON’T wanna go there. Who you marry is your choice and God will give you the strength to do the right thing.
Well, this concludes Series 1 on “How to Spot an Abuser”.
Now we’ll start talking about “Why the Abused Stay” in Series 2. I’m sure that question has popped into your mind! Input is welcome!
1 told amid a flood of tears to Laura Petherbridge www.laurapetherbridge.com
4 adapted from The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick, WaterBrook Press, division of Random House, available on Amazon.com