She came to me cautiously.  Clearly she was a woman distressed by her husband’s deep unkindness.  Her story touched on pain, on fear, on confusion, on hatred.   My heart ached with sympathy as her heart cried for help.

I responded to her cautiously.  Clearly she needed the true counsel of God’s Word to salve her pain, her fear, her confusion, her anger.  I feared offering her crumbs of worldly wisdom that would lead her away from the Saviour, from the truth that would set her free.  In the end I told her what I knew although I discerned hopelessness in her eyes as my words failed to touch her need.  My counsel could have been summed up in one word: submit.

One-Eyed Counsel

This one-eyed advice is the most oft given counsel for women in fundamental churches.  Wives, submit.  It’s the bottom line, the end of the story.  The problem with one-eyed advice is this: it’s half blind.  It fails to grasp the big picture, to capture a well-rounded perspective.

Under the reign of this Cyclops of submission teaching, wives have been trapped in miserably dysfunctional marriages.  Cruel abuse terrorises wife and children who are required to submit without question to the whim of the man of the house.  He uses the word “submit” like a scourge to dominate and control all that his wife and children do.  And wives endure all this believing that God has one ultimate command for them: submit.

This is not to say that wifely submission is a concept to be avoided. Nor is it my purpose to undermine the importance of submission in the marriage relationship.  On the contrary, I hope to sharpen our understanding of submission as it fits into the tapestry of God-given revelation.  Biblical submission is gloriously beautiful when it plays its part in the whole counsel of God.  But when submission trumps all other injunctions, it threatens to betray us to its distorted focus.  We who teach the Bible do wives an injustice when we imply that submission is the only word for Christian women.  Here are some cautions to consider when teaching about wifely submission:

1.  Does our teaching mostly focus on what we have to do, or does it focus more on Who it is we worship?  Do we magnify “good examples” or do we lift up the person of God when we teach?  Are we constantly striving to give our listeners a clearer, more complete picture of the God whom we serve?  Or do we imply that Christians can never measure up even though Jesus paid it all for us? And beyond what is taught in the pulpit and classroom, do we as teachers provide our students with an honest picture of living faith in the God we teach?  Do our actions and reactions demonstrate that God is full of grace and truth?  Do we reflect both his justice and mercy in the way we handle relationships?  Can we run to Him because we are sure of His love while fearing Him because we are sure of His holiness?  If we teach that the Christian life is more about what we do and less about Who we worship, then we are setting up our listeners for failure.  A warped understanding of God will surely lead to a warped understanding of biblical submission.  Trying to submit without certainty in the loving and perfect purposes of our infinite God will lead to despair.

2.  Do we understand who we are in God’s sight—not only His unique creation but also His particular redeemed ones?  Is our identity well-grounded in the fact that we are “called, loved by God the Father and kept by Jesus Christ”? (Jude 1)  Is every day filled with awareness of what it cost God to give us freedom from sin?  When we truly begin to grasp the gospel in the larger sense of who we are in relation to God, we also begin to grasp the deep seriousness of our sin.  With this backdrop of truth, sin in our own lives and in the lives of our loved ones can be tackled more meaningfully.  We will refuse to brush it off or put up with it because sin cost God the life of His much loved only Son.

3.  The concept of submission must be taught in the context of all the other relational texts in the New Testament: love one another fervently, encourage one another, exhort one another, etc.  Remove the context of the wider teaching of Scripture only at great peril to Christian families!

“Doing Good” Does Not Equal “Being Nice”

Luke 6:27 tells us to “do good to those who hate [us]”.   Proverbs 31 describes the virtuous woman as one who does her husband good and not harm.  What does “doing good” to another entail?  The word itself implies blameless, noble and beautiful actions toward another.  We often think of ‘doing good” only as “being nice”, but “good” doesn’t always equal “nice”.  Sometimes being nice is simply a way to avoid conflict; niceness can mask fearful self-preservation.  The motivation of self-preservation may interfere with doing what is best for a person when doing good to that person requires taking action that that person won’t like.  Especially when that action may lead us into unpleasant or even painful conflict.  But our hope as we walk into the conflict is that true good may come out of pain.

This kind of doing good cannot mean letting an abusive person continue in his abusive patterns.  A woman who allows her husband to continue in destructive abusive behavior is far from doing him good.  He is self-destructing while also destroying his family and any relationship that he has with God.  A wife who enables that behavior by silently “submitting” to it sins against her husband and against her children (if children are involved). By refusing to properly deal with the issue of abuse, she fails to “do good” to him by not confronting him about his sin.  However, a wife who takes the risk of lovingly confronting her husband about his sin not only truly seeks his good but also demonstrates courageous faith.  This kind of courage is one of the chief characteristics of women who are called “Sarah’s daughters” in 1 Peter 3:6: “And you are [Sarah’s] children if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.”

How the Church Can Help

When an abused person confronts her abuser, she places herself in a dangerous position.  She cannot be expected to tackle such a situation alone.  A support group such as her church family can help her fulfil her role to “do good” to her abusive husband by coming alongside her with encouragement and even being actively engaged in the process of confrontation and restoration.  Galatians 6:1 addresses this issue: “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.”  An abused wife who is seeking help should be assured that

1.  Her story will be believed and she will be accepted as she is.

2.  There is a safe place where she can escape to when things get out of control at home.

3.  People are praying for her and her husband.

4.  Godly men in the church will be willing to gently confront the husband about his sin, repeatedly and over a long period of time if necessary.

5.  Counselling is available for both husband and wife to help the husband be “restored” to genuine fruitfulness and for the family to be restored to healthy relationships.  This includes helping the wife face her own spiritual needs.

Only the Gospel Heals Broken Lives

Following these steps towards confronting an abusive husband is not failure to submit.  It is seriously taking the whole counsel of God and applying it to family relationships.  Unlike the teaching of some, the ultimate goal is not for the family to maintain the appearance of unity.  The ultimate goal is for the gospel to be applied to broken people and broken relationships so that in our weakness God can be glorified.  And if the marriage doesn’t make it in spite of all the support, the wife should not become a pariah because she didn’t just keep her head down and put up with the abuse.  She has done the right thing by seeking help for herself, for her children and for her husband.  To have done otherwise would have been to fail to love her family and to do them good.

If we are to do justice to the whole message of the Scriptures, then we cannot allow the topic of submission within marriage to be taught without these caveats.  Submission is not the only word we have to offer Christian wives.  We have the entire revelation of the inspired Scriptures and the Saviour by Whose stripes we are healed.

Complementarianism (n.) The belief that men and women have complementary roles and responsibilities in marriage and the church.  Leadership roles are prescribed for men; support roles are prescribed for women.

Egalitarianism (n.)  The belief that men and women are called to roles and responsibilities in  marriage and in the church based on their giftedness, regardless of gender.

Chauvinism (n.)  The belief that men and women are of intrinsically different worth, usually that men are superior to women.

Okay, I admit it– obviously chauvinism is not a legit third position.  While it should be clear to all that chauvinism is in direct opposition to biblical truth, we see it practiced (if not labeled) in many independent Baptist churches today.  That’s why I include it as a third stream of thought even though it is really only a distortion of complementarianism.  This post by blogger Wendy Alsup, who calls herself a complementarian, addresses some common pitfalls with the complementarian position.  Concluding with an exhortation to  handle the Word precisely, she draws us into a valid debate in the gender role discussion.  Read it for yourself here.

What do you think are the dangers of the complementarian position?

“Don’t you think that the pastor’s wife should have a special role in the church?”

“We just want a pastor’s wife who can help us know how to raise our kids and love our husbands.”

“Shouldn’t the pastor’s wife be able to counsel the women in the church?”

“We don’t have a ladies’ ministry at our church.  When we do get a pastor, we want his wife to lead the church women.”

What does the Bible have to say about the pastor’s wife?

Not much really.  We do know that the pastor is to have only one of them, and we can probably assume that she helps him with hospitality and in managing the household well (1 Timothy 3).   Other than that, very little is said about the role of the pastor’s wife per se.  Titus 2’s instructions to all women in the church, older and younger, obviously apply to her as well as all the other women in the church.  But should she have a special role in the church, noticeably different from others?

I think not.

Tradition has taught us that the pastor’s wife is a woman with a distinct role in the church.  Depending on our personal observations of pastor’s wives, our personal picture of her role may vary.  But most agree that the pastor’s wife ministers in a unique “pastor’s wifely” fashion.   However, contrary to the assumptions of many,  the position of pastor’s wife does not require her to teach Sunday school, or run the ladies’ Bible study, or offer personal counselling at all hours, or plan meals for new mums, or organise a playgroup, or clean the church bathrooms, or superintend the Christmas banquet, or visit the elderly, or sing in the choir, and or play the piano.  Nor should she face the pressure of  constantly keeping her brood of children under perfect control at the risk of censure by the church gossips.  Any woman, even the superhero wife of your pastor, who must constantly hold herself accountable to the expectations of others is doomed for exhaustion and failure!  The pastor’s wife, like all members of the body of Christ, needs freedom to flourish in the community of grace in relation to her individual calling (which may be very different from what others expect of her). Like all disciples of Christ, she should be pursuing godliness and contributing to the church community according to her spiritual gifting.  But her personal walk with God and her personal ministry portfolio should be no more subject to public scrutiny than that of any other church member.  Instead of piling up  her to-do list, ask yourself what you yourself are contributing to the building up of the body of Christ (Ephesians 4).  Then give your pastor’s wife the liberty to do the same without the pressure of church tradition’s guilt trip.

What are you doing to encourage your pastor’s wife to be herself in the role that God—not people’s expectations—has given her?

Because the weight of the recent discussion about wifely submission has leaned towards the topic of abuse within marriage, I’ve been seeking the Lord for more clarity on this painful issue.  First Peter 3 encourages wives to adorn their spirit by quietly hoping in God through respect and submission.  But repeated or prolonged patterns of abusive behaviour force our understanding into another realm of biblical discussion–that of oppression. Families struggling with abuse are not just out in the world; they warm our church pews every week.  We cannot pretend that these situations do not exist nor fail to respond biblically.  I want to touch on some verses about oppression to get the discussion going.

 1.  Jesus Himself was oppressed (Isaiah 53:8).  No one understands the place of the oppressed better than He.  “Because He Himself has suffered, being tempted, He is able to help those who are tempted” (Hebrews 2:18).

2.  We are repeatedly commanded not to oppress others, especially those under our authority and care.  Limiting this to the family context, this has intense bearing on husbands and wives, parents and children.

3.  Oppressive behaviour must be repented of as sin. (Lev. 6)

4.  God judges those who oppress others. (Isaiah 30:12)  The Old Testaments prophets frequently preached against oppression as one of Israel’s key sins and a major reason for their punishment and exile (eg. Isaiah 1:15 “Your hands are full of blood.”)

5.  God’s heart is tender towards the oppressed.  He is their hope and deliverer. (Psalm 72:4)

6.  The Bible often links righteousness with helping the oppressed (Isaiah 1:16-17; Isaiah 58:6-8; Jeremiah 22:3; Ezekiel 45:9).  This is a particularly striking point when we consider that it is human nature (fundamentalists included) to equate righteousness with law-keeping.    But under the guise of obedience to Scripture, oppression within our own church congregations has been tolerated and even justified by the letter of the law.  This story from Luke 13 is conspicuously pointed.

Now he was teaching in one of the synagogues on the Sabbath. And there was a woman who had had a disabling spirit for eighteen years. She was bent over and could not fully straighten herself. When Jesus saw her, he called her over and said to her, “Woman, you are freed from your disability.” And he laid his hands on her, and immediately she was made straight, and she glorified God. But the ruler of the synagogue, indignant because Jesus had healed on the Sabbath, said to the people, “There are six days in which work ought to be done. Come on those days and be healed, and not on the Sabbath day.” Then the Lord answered him, “You hypocrites! Does not each of you on the Sabbath untie his ox or his donkey from the manger and lead it away to water it? And ought not this woman, a daughter of Abraham whom Satan bound for eighteen years, be loosed from this bond on the Sabbath day?”

 Several times in the gospels, demon possession is described as being “oppressed” by a demon.  The woman in this story had been oppressed by a disabling spirit for eighteen years.  But when Jesus freed her from oppression, the Jews immediately criticized Him for breaking the Sabbath law. They couldn’t rejoice in her new freedom; they could only accuse Jesus of neglecting the law.  Jesus’ answer reveals that God regards helping the oppressed as more important than keeping the letter of the law.  To relate this to our current context, helping a wife and children who are trapped by abuse is closer to the heart of God than keeping them captive through a technical interpretation of submission and obedience.  Because oppression by definition leaves the oppressed powerless, abused people need help from the outside.  God’s Word is clear that we cannot turn a blind eye to their needs without distancing ourselves from true righteousness.

What are we doing as churches and as individuals to rescue those who are trapped in marital oppression?  Are we strengthening the oppressor or the oppressed?

The Inner Twirl

“Why doesn’t he get off his lazy backside and get a job?”

“He never does anything with the kids.”

“When is he going to see that I’m run off my feet while he plays internet games and watches the footy?”

“What’s wrong with him?  Doesn’t he know that he should be doing _______ instead of ________?”

Do you ever discover these kind of thoughts in your heart?  Does a battle rage within that spills out with nagging and arguments or hunkers down inside burning bitter feelings in your soul?  Dear wife, you are not alone.  In fact, this is an ancient problem, endemic in the fallen human race.

 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.

 This astounding advice from 1 Peter 3 speaks to wives in a special category—those whose husbands “do not obey the word.”  Slacker husbands definitely fit into this category when they refuse to provide for the family (1 Timothy 5:8), fail to nurture their children in the Lord (Ephesians 6:4), and fall short of sacrificially loving their wives as Christ loved the Church and gave himself for her (Ephesians 5:28).  By the last criteria at least, every man is a slacker some of the time.

Peter first gives the wives a specific command: “be subject to your own husband.” The military term “be subject to” denotes a position that is underneath in rank.  Being subject does not mean that the wife is less valuable or that she is incapable; the term assigns her a rank as vice-admiral under the admiral.  In other words, her place is under her husband’s authority and leadership while having her own specific role to fulfil. Peter is saying, “Woman, get into your place and stay there!”

While the shock of such a directive still resonates in our ears, Peter follows it up with hope: “they may be won.”  Wouldn’t you do anything to win that slacker husband of yours?  Isn’t the hope of change what keeps us going when the going gets us down?  And doesn’t the absence of hope paralyze our attempts to keep on going when things are tough?

The hope of winning our husbands is qualified by some clear guidelines.

1.  “Without a word” (v. 1)  That pretty much rules out nagging and wifely preaching, usually our first line of action when our husbands are up to their slacker tricks.  This key act of faith keeps us from distorting what God can directly do in our husbands’ lives.  Why would we want to get in the way of the Almighty’s programme of change?  He will do a far better job than we can, even though He often doesn’t work to our timetables.  Can we trust Him in this by guarding our words?

2.  “Respectful” (v. 2)  Let our attitude do the talking.  Respectful words, behaviour and tone speak volumes to a man especially when they come from his wife.  Respect visibly evidences that a wife understands and accepts her rank in the marriage.  Heaping honour and reverence on him pours grace on his soul.  As a slacker, he doesn’t deserve that treatment.  But the grace of God shining in our own wretched hearts empowers us to lavish grace on him.  In Sunday school we learned that grace is God’s Riches At Christ’s Expense.  Because of Jesus’ sacrificial love for us, we have the spiritual riches to revere our husbands as we should, whether we think he is worthy or not.

3.  “Pure conduct” (v.2)  Pure connotes chaste and untouched.  Not only should our behaviour be without the slightest hint of sexual inappropriateness (no paying back my husband by flirting with other men!), but it should also be completely free of hidden agendas.  When a wife properly conducts herself before her husband, her conduct is actually directed towards God in faith.  He sees the secret motives of our hearts, and our obedience to Him–though tinged with pain–is not forgotten by Him.

We can trust God to deal with our slacker husbands. He holds out to us the hope that they may be won. Only let each of us bow to Christ’s holy purpose for us as wives by

getting in our place,

guarding our tongues,

respecting our men and

freeing ourselves of any tainted behaviour.

So how do you manage when your husband is a slacker?  Heap grace on him, sister!  It’s already been lavishly heaped on you and me!

“A faith without some doubts is like a human body without any antibodies in it.  People who blithely go through life too busy or indifferent to ask hard questions about why they believe as they do will find themselves defenseless against either the experience of tragedy or the proving questions of a smart skeptic.  A person’s faith can collapse almost overnight if she has failed over the years to listen patiently to her own doubts, which should only be discarded after long reflection.  Believers should acknowledge and wrestle with doubts – not only their own but their friends’ and neighbors’.  It is no longer sufficient to hold beliefs just because you inherited them.  Only if you struggle long and hard with objections to your faith will you be able to provide grounds for your beliefs to skeptics, including yourself, that are plausible rather than ridiculous or offensive…”

The two questions I wrote in the margin of the book were as follows: “what do I doubt” and “what is the role of doubt within the context of Christian education?”  I would like to talk through the former more personal question now and the latter question in my next post.

When I asked myself the question – what do I doubt?  The answer was not immediately apparent.  The first place I looked was at the traditional culprit – crisis.  At the time of reflection and at the time of writing there is no crisis in my life, relationships, or circumstances.  While many people seem to be living in a Dickens novel my life at this time feels more like an Asterix comic (near the inevitable banquet scene).

In the absence of identifiable doubt I started looking at the environment that could lead to doubt and this stark warning “A person’s faith can collapse almost overnight if she has failed over the years to listen patiently to her own doubts, which should only be discarded after long reflection.”  I thought about the following questions in the context of my own spiritual life and I believe they have wider application among believers:

Am I relying on past spiritual experiences instead of present day spiritual vitality?  Do I refer to things that God has done last year or even decades ago without any thought to what God is doing in my own life right now?

Does the absence of doubt reflect spiritual contentment or indifference?  It is very easy (especially as men) to become invested in work or lifestyle pursuits that appear to fill the God-sized hole that we have in our lives.  If life was a game of charades would I be labeled as content or indifferent?

Am I living towards my ultimate purpose?  There are many good things that I could be doing with my time and relationships – but are they the best things?  How does my life reflect my ultimate purpose?

JK

I didn’t fully understand it then – but I do now.  My mother was modeling and teaching truth every day.  Only a servant would spend two hours in the car each day driving back and forth from school.  She used that time to share her faith and to encourage me to ask the big questions of life.  She showed me how you could rise above the immediate trouble and see God’s purpose.  She helped me to see the preciousness of others.

To my own mother – I love you and I am thankful for you.  To mothers – know that your children are learning from you every day.  Before they can talk and read they have the opportunity to learn about God through your reactions and through your actions.   Above the tears and the sleepless nights – your children will rise up and call you blessed (Proverbs 31:28).

~ Jeremy

On June 7, 2002, Filipino troops attempted a rescue and during the fight, Martin was fatally shot in the chest.  Gracia was airlifted to safety.

The Burnhams’ story became international news and in her grief, Gracia was still able to publicly claim God’s sovereignty and goodness in their ordeal.

In her book, In The Presence Of My Enemies, Gracia looks back on her captivity and in conclusion, speaks candidly about her personal struggle and her commitment to keep trusting in God in a hostile world.  It’s faith at work.

We have a chance to show the love of Christ to the world.  I think Martin managed to do this successfully in the jungle.  I’m not sure I did very well myself.  I hope nobody calls me a hero, because I know the facts about the bitterness that blazed in my heart that year.  I still have lots of maturing to do.

… I already knew I was a sinner, of course.  It’s one of the first things I learned as a child in Sunday school.  But I was also a missionary, a pastor’s daughter, a life-long “good girl.”  Weren’t people like me supposed to be able to react to adversity with strength and grace and kindness and courage?  Why wasn’t I showing more of those traits?

I knew, for example, that I was supposed to forgive my captors, but the truth is that I often hated them.  I despised them not only for snatching me away from my family and the simple comforts of a life I loved, but also for forcing me to see a side of myself I didn’t like.  There was a Gracia I barely knew existed: fearful Gracia, selfish Gracia, bitter Gracia, angry-at-God Gracia.  That wasn’t the only me, but it was a bigger part of me than I wanted to accept.

… Some people want me to offended and angry and bitter with the government for not doing this or that.  Others want me to be depressed and morose — the poor, whimpering widow.

I can’t be either of those.  What good would it do?

… This ordeal came with the territory.  I refuse to let this dampen my joy or detract from the love that God means to flourish in my heart.

… The special people God gives us along the way make us stronger to face the trials of an ugly world.  Obviously, I never expected to face something of this magnitude.  But I thank the Lord for helping me to endure it.  … And I resolve to keep living in the embrace of God’s gladness and love for as long as he gives me breath.

Ben Kwok

Corrie’s bedroom, where refugees were hidden.

In prison, Corrie was still able to write letters, which were full of faith, keen insight, and even humour.  Both she and her sister Betsie ministered to their fellow prisoners.

Most touching was Corrie’s reliance on God in a nightmare winter, as she watched her sister slowly die in the Ravensbruck concentration camp, among nearly 100,000 women who perished there.  Corrie clung to Christ as her only hope.

The horrors of Ravensbruck, especially Betsie’s death, caused me to wake up to reality.  When I did, I was able to see that when all the securities of the world are falling away, then you realise, like never before, what it means to have your security in Jesus.

Corrie was providentially freed from prison, and went on to proclaim her testimony worldwide.  She traveled to over sixty countries, speaking of God’s sovereignty and salvation.  Beginning this ministry in her fifties, she died on her 91st birthday in 1983.

Six months after her release from prison, Corrie wrote another letter — to the person who had reported her family to the Germans.

What would we have written?

Dear Sir,

Today I heard that most probably you are the one who betrayed me.  I went through 10 months of concentration camp.  My father died after 9 days of imprisonment.  My sister died in prison, too.

The harm you planned was turned into good for me by God.  I came nearer to Him.  A severe punishment is awaiting you.  I have prayed for you, that the Lord may accept you if you will repent.  Think that the Lord Jesus on the Cross also took your sins upon Himself.  If you accept this and want to be His child, you are saved for Eternity.

I have forgiven you everything.  God will also forgive you everything, if you ask Him.  He loves you and He Himself sent His Son to earth to reconcile your sins, which meant to suffer the punishment for you and me.  You, on your part have to give an answer to this.  If He says: “Come unto Me, give Me your heart,” then your answer must be: “Yes, Lord, I come, make me Your child.”  If it is difficult for you to pray, then ask if God will give you His Spirit, who works the faith in your heart.

Never doubt the Lord Jesus’ love.  He is standing with His arms spread out to receive you.

I hope that the path which you will now take may work for your eternal salvation.

Corrie Ten Boom

Ben Kwok