She came to me cautiously.  Clearly she was a woman distressed by her husband’s deep unkindness.  Her story touched on pain, on fear, on confusion, on hatred.   My heart ached with sympathy as her heart cried for help.

I responded to her cautiously.  Clearly she needed the true counsel of God’s Word to salve her pain, her fear, her confusion, her anger.  I feared offering her crumbs of worldly wisdom that would lead her away from the Saviour, from the truth that would set her free.  In the end I told her what I knew although I discerned hopelessness in her eyes as my words failed to touch her need.  My counsel could have been summed up in one word: submit.

One-Eyed Counsel

This one-eyed advice is the most oft given counsel for women in fundamental churches.  Wives, submit.  It’s the bottom line, the end of the story.  The problem with one-eyed advice is this: it’s half blind.  It fails to grasp the big picture, to capture a well-rounded perspective.

Under the reign of this Cyclops of submission teaching, wives have been trapped in miserably dysfunctional marriages.  Cruel abuse terrorises wife and children who are required to submit without question to the whim of the man of the house.  He uses the word “submit” like a scourge to dominate and control all that his wife and children do.  And wives endure all this believing that God has one ultimate command for them: submit.

This is not to say that wifely submission is a concept to be avoided. Nor is it my purpose to undermine the importance of submission in the marriage relationship.  On the contrary, I hope to sharpen our understanding of submission as it fits into the tapestry of God-given revelation.  Biblical submission is gloriously beautiful when it plays its part in the whole counsel of God.  But when submission trumps all other injunctions, it threatens to betray us to its distorted focus.  We who teach the Bible do wives an injustice when we imply that submission is the only word for Christian women.  Here are some cautions to consider when teaching about wifely submission:

1.  Does our teaching mostly focus on what we have to do, or does it focus more on Who it is we worship?  Do we magnify “good examples” or do we lift up the person of God when we teach?  Are we constantly striving to give our listeners a clearer, more complete picture of the God whom we serve?  Or do we imply that Christians can never measure up even though Jesus paid it all for us? And beyond what is taught in the pulpit and classroom, do we as teachers provide our students with an honest picture of living faith in the God we teach?  Do our actions and reactions demonstrate that God is full of grace and truth?  Do we reflect both his justice and mercy in the way we handle relationships?  Can we run to Him because we are sure of His love while fearing Him because we are sure of His holiness?  If we teach that the Christian life is more about what we do and less about Who we worship, then we are setting up our listeners for failure.  A warped understanding of God will surely lead to a warped understanding of biblical submission.  Trying to submit without certainty in the loving and perfect purposes of our infinite God will lead to despair.

2.  Do we understand who we are in God’s sight—not only His unique creation but also His particular redeemed ones?  Is our identity well-grounded in the fact that we are “called, loved by God the Father and kept by Jesus Christ”? (Jude 1)  Is every day filled with awareness of what it cost God to give us freedom from sin?  When we truly begin to grasp the gospel in the larger sense of who we are in relation to God, we also begin to grasp the deep seriousness of our sin.  With this backdrop of truth, sin in our own lives and in the lives of our loved ones can be tackled more meaningfully.  We will refuse to brush it off or put up with it because sin cost God the life of His much loved only Son.

3.  The concept of submission must be taught in the context of all the other relational texts in the New Testament: love one another fervently, encourage one another, exhort one another, etc.  Remove the context of the wider teaching of Scripture only at great peril to Christian families!

“Doing Good” Does Not Equal “Being Nice”

Luke 6:27 tells us to “do good to those who hate [us]”.   Proverbs 31 describes the virtuous woman as one who does her husband good and not harm.  What does “doing good” to another entail?  The word itself implies blameless, noble and beautiful actions toward another.  We often think of ‘doing good” only as “being nice”, but “good” doesn’t always equal “nice”.  Sometimes being nice is simply a way to avoid conflict; niceness can mask fearful self-preservation.  The motivation of self-preservation may interfere with doing what is best for a person when doing good to that person requires taking action that that person won’t like.  Especially when that action may lead us into unpleasant or even painful conflict.  But our hope as we walk into the conflict is that true good may come out of pain.

This kind of doing good cannot mean letting an abusive person continue in his abusive patterns.  A woman who allows her husband to continue in destructive abusive behavior is far from doing him good.  He is self-destructing while also destroying his family and any relationship that he has with God.  A wife who enables that behavior by silently “submitting” to it sins against her husband and against her children (if children are involved). By refusing to properly deal with the issue of abuse, she fails to “do good” to him by not confronting him about his sin.  However, a wife who takes the risk of lovingly confronting her husband about his sin not only truly seeks his good but also demonstrates courageous faith.  This kind of courage is one of the chief characteristics of women who are called “Sarah’s daughters” in 1 Peter 3:6: “And you are [Sarah’s] children if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.”

How the Church Can Help

When an abused person confronts her abuser, she places herself in a dangerous position.  She cannot be expected to tackle such a situation alone.  A support group such as her church family can help her fulfil her role to “do good” to her abusive husband by coming alongside her with encouragement and even being actively engaged in the process of confrontation and restoration.  Galatians 6:1 addresses this issue: “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.”  An abused wife who is seeking help should be assured that

1.  Her story will be believed and she will be accepted as she is.

2.  There is a safe place where she can escape to when things get out of control at home.

3.  People are praying for her and her husband.

4.  Godly men in the church will be willing to gently confront the husband about his sin, repeatedly and over a long period of time if necessary.

5.  Counselling is available for both husband and wife to help the husband be “restored” to genuine fruitfulness and for the family to be restored to healthy relationships.  This includes helping the wife face her own spiritual needs.

Only the Gospel Heals Broken Lives

Following these steps towards confronting an abusive husband is not failure to submit.  It is seriously taking the whole counsel of God and applying it to family relationships.  Unlike the teaching of some, the ultimate goal is not for the family to maintain the appearance of unity.  The ultimate goal is for the gospel to be applied to broken people and broken relationships so that in our weakness God can be glorified.  And if the marriage doesn’t make it in spite of all the support, the wife should not become a pariah because she didn’t just keep her head down and put up with the abuse.  She has done the right thing by seeking help for herself, for her children and for her husband.  To have done otherwise would have been to fail to love her family and to do them good.

If we are to do justice to the whole message of the Scriptures, then we cannot allow the topic of submission within marriage to be taught without these caveats.  Submission is not the only word we have to offer Christian wives.  We have the entire revelation of the inspired Scriptures and the Saviour by Whose stripes we are healed.

 Toxic leaders.  The topic frequently pops up in both secular and religious news.  Undeniably, toxic leaders even flourish within fundamental churches and organizations.  Kenneth Gangel’s book, Surviving Toxic Leaders, answers two main questions: what does toxicity look like and how should people under toxic leaders respond effectively. The author was uniquely qualified to contribute to this discussion.  His obituary (2009) states, “Dr. Gangel was one of the most influential Christian educators of the 20th century; a leader of leaders; and a champion of the Christian family. Kenn authored or edited 57 books and lectured in more than 40 educational institutions worldwide.”  His educational credentials also include three master’s level seminary degrees and an earned PhD in educational administration.  His resume marches through administrative posts in many institutions including Dallas Theological Seminary and Trinity Evangelical Divinity School.  All this to say that the author of this book is familiar with leadership issues within Christianity and within his own heart.  He knows what he is talking about.

Surviving Toxic Leaders is somewhat of a Christian angle on Jean Lipman-Blumen’s explosive book, The Allure of Toxic Leaders: Why We Follow Destructive Bosses and Corrupt Politicians—and How We Can Survive Them (2005).  Gangel refers frequently to this book throughout the pages, and perhaps his book is best understood by those who have read Lipman-Blumen’s work.  Not having read Lipman-Blumen’s work myself, however, I still found Gangel’s book helpful.  At 91 pages it is an easy weekend read although I found the style a bit choppy.  The number of real life stories and outside quotes certify both the widespread poison of toxic leadership and our need for real answers.

The bulk of the book discusses nine characteristics of toxicity.  His inclusion of dishonesty, inordinate ambition, cruelty, bullying, and autocratic behaviour as toxic behaviours were no surprise.  These are flaws that anyone would consider toxic to an organisation.  However, Gangel also holds leaders accountable for less aggressive or manipulative leadership failings: incompetence, laziness, ignorance, and the pitfalls of fame.  While cruel words and bullying tactics leave wounds for all to see, a reckless, know-it-all Christian leader seeps toxicity throughout the organisation by his failure to be a humble and teachable team player.  The book employs not only true examples but also biblical stories to flesh out the concepts that Kenn is trying to describe.  He makes it clear that even though a leader may not be intentionally toxic, the effect on those he leads is just as devastating as if he had premeditated every cruel tactic.

The last two chapters turn to the second question: how should people under toxic leadership respond?  Should they just put up with a less than desirable situation?  Should they directly challenge abuses and force a change?  Should they quietly influence change without tackling the beast head-on?  Should they just walk away?  In line with Galatians 6:1, Gangel’s first suggestion urges each person to examine himself for toxicity as “the easiest route to change.”  Once a person recognises toxicity in himself, the battle is already half done.  I suppose that is why he devotes the majority of chapters to identifying toxicity.  He wants those who live under toxic leadership to examine themselves.  He offers three humbling points for people who want to self-detox.

1.  Publicly admit any behavior which has caused your people hurt or discouragement.

2.  Ask for forgiveness and trust, and make someone you trust a monitor of your public behavior.

3.  Be patient.  Change within yourself and within the church takes time.

If you have ever worked under a toxic leader, however, you know that the self-detox scenario is a rather optimistic expectation if you can even get your toxic leader to acknowledge the book.  In the last chapter, Gangel outlines both a suggestion for getting rid of a toxic leader as well as helpful tips for those who believe they should weather the storm with patience.  In tossing out a leader, he recommends a kind of “resistance movement” made up of courageous people who believe “that leadership and true democracy is open to all” and are willing to risk their future in the organisation in the hope of change.  In other words, try this idea only if you have a well-thought out Plan B if things go awry.  “The trick requires promoting constructive conflict and preventing dysfunctional conflict.”  On the other hand, Gangel suggests that an equally courageous route is to stay put until you “clearly understand that God has finished with you in that place.”  While encouraging  his readers that God may be using that difficult situation for their own growth in Christlikeness, Gangel also presents a couple of cautions to those who consider this option.  For example, cooperating with a toxic leader does not mean that a person must sacrifice his creativity or become involved in unethical behaviour.  Disappointingly but not surprisingly, there are no easy answers when handling toxic leaders.

Many books on spiritual abuse are written to those who want inner healing from abusive leaders.   Kenn Gangel provides the Christian community with a less self-focused **model for recognising and dealing with toxic leaders.  I found this angle particularly helpful as it removed many of the more painful aspects associated with spiritual abuse so that I could more objectively think about toxic leadership as a problem to be recognised and dealt with rather than a disease to recover from.  It also helped me analyze my own leadership style and work towards detoxing my own problem areas.  Interestingly, the book is dedicated to Gangel’s son-in-law, “who has served more than enough time under the abuse of toxic leaders.”

I think that some who read this post could say that of themselves too.

** That’s not to say that I don’t believe that books that explore an abused person’s need for recovery are not helpful and necessary.  Dealing with hurt and damage caused by spiritual abuse is absolutely essential, but Gangel’s book is not designed to deal with those issues.  If you are looking for reading for a soul damaged by abuse, I recommend Soul Repair by VanVonderen, Ryan and Ryan.

Psychotic and unpredictable, the Joker’s one goal is to throw the city into anarchy with his cruel tactic of psychological games coupled with complete disregard for human life.  The Joker’s thugs capture Harvey Dent along with Harvey’s one true love, Rachel.  In a sadistic move, the Joker forces Harvey’s friends to choose between saving Harvey’s life or that of the girl he loves.  In the ensuing terror, Rachel dies and Harvey’s face is deeply burned.  Heartbreak torments Harvey’s soul.  He refuses treatment for his scars. And then the Joker visits. He convinces Harvey, already half-mad with despair, that his revenge should be against the very city that he has fought to save.  His mutilated face an outward image of the horror within, Harvey proceeds to kill a string of people whom he believes responsible for Rachel’s death before putting his own life to an end.  His true friends, Batman and Police Commissioner Gordon, both witness Harvey’s killing spree and suicide.  Together they decide that the people of Gotham cannot afford to know that their “White Knight” finished up as a bad guy.  Batman offers to take the blame for the murders, and Commissioner Gordon makes a public tribute to Harvey’s unblemished image as the one man who courageously fought for truth and right in Gotham City.  The people get to keep their symbol of hope albeit at the expense of truth.  Kind of ironic that the hero of justice is preserved in a lie.

I’ve seen the Harvey Dent solution at work in Christian organisations too.  A well-loved missionary or pastor, a “white knight” of God’s work, is caught in a sin—perhaps financial mismanagement or immorality. In handling this awful situation, the church should face up to the frailty of its hero, deal with the sin appropriately, urge him to confess and repent, and seek to restore the fallen brother to a growing relationship with God though not to his former leadership role.  Instead, some churches practice “damage control” by protecting the image of the fallen leader as if his followers cannot bear to see their “white knight” fail.  It may involve laying the blame at the feet of someone or something else or moving the hero to another ministry or another creative cop-out.  All this is justified under the guise of saving the testimony of the church or organisation ostensibly for the sake of Christ.  But how can Jesus Christ, the Truth, be glorified by the manipulations of the spin doctor?

Although saving face at the time may seem to minimise damage, in the long term cover-ups come back like a hidden cancer cell.  Instead of going away quietly, churches and organisations have had to deal with accusations from people hurt by cover-up even decades down the track.  Instead of applying the gospel of grace to our failures, we magnify men and their work more than the work of Jesus Christ who died to free us from such sinful catastrophes.  Offenses will happen.  How we respond to those offenses reveals our understanding of gospel truth and mercy.  Even the Biblical record truthfully recounts sinful failures of our heroes of the faith: Abraham’s lie, David’s adultery and murder, and Moses’s anger, to name a few.  The gospel is not just for saving; it is for keeping too.  When we whitewash failure, we deny that gospel truth.

Why do we lift up leaders in our churches as if they have a corner on Christianity that the rest of us can only wish for?  What can we do to create a Christian culture where it is safe to fail?  How can we nurture transparency in relationships all the way from kids in Sunday school to the pastor in the pulpit?  How can our responses to sin flesh-out the truth that God’s grace not only touches our weakness and failures but is purposefully tailored to our humanness?

The Harvey Dent solution merely puts a bandaid and makeup on a tumour that resides deep within–a tumour for which there is an authentic cure.  The gospel of grace is the cure, made available through our real hero, the Lord Jesus Christ.

I was a good kid in high school. I sought to have personal devotions since elementary school and had a genuine desire to do right and please God. I am thankful for two wonderful, godly parents. As I progressed through high school I was generally well respected and even looked up to among my peers. I received several positions of student leadership within my Christian school and was able to use those positions to influence those around me in a positive way.

 I am thankful for the training I received from my Christian education. I learned about hard work and discipline. I learned about teamwork and leadership. Most importantly I learned much about who God is. The person I am today is due in large part to the influence those years had on my life.

Latent Legalism

Despite my sound Christian background and solid upbringing, one area of weakness in my life that I see now only in retrospect was an attitude of legalism that pervaded my mindset. It was a mindset that told me that my acceptance before God was determined by my performance. I didn’t really need to be taught to have this mindset. Nobody really does. We are all in one way or another latent legalists at heart, thinking that we can somehow earn our way into God’s good graces by the things we do or don’t do. Most people would never actually say it that way, and I don’t think I would have myself. However, my attitude towards God and a continual feeling of guilt betrayed my words. One area in particularly where I struggled with legalism was in the area of confession of sin.

Legalism as applied to confession is a belief that my acceptance before God hinges upon my ability to confess or upon my feeling of remorse. I remember spending large portions of my devotion time “doing confession.” I felt like I couldn’t move on to Scripture reading or prayer unless I had confessed all my sin and done so with a proper attitude of repentance. I felt like I wasn’t right with God if I hadn’t confessed properly. I also felt like I was powerless to do ministry. If I was about to sing in church or give a testimony, I needed to make sure that I didn’t have any un-confessed sin in my life. I also couldn’t call out to God for help in witnessing unless my sin account was short, kept that way by my confession.

And I was right in this line of thinking, wasn’t I? After all the Bible says that if we “regard iniquity in our hearts the Lord will not hear us.” This must mean that I cannot come to God in prayer with sin in my heart. I must deal with it first. Also, everyone knows the classic passage on confession, I John 1:9: “If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” Confession of sin is a prerequisite for forgiveness, isn’t it?

This way of thinking and relating to God left me with continual turmoil in my soul. I could never seem to confess every sin and even if I did I would commit another in no time at all.  To add to my guilt, I rarely felt remorse or a feeling of repentance as I thought I should.

When Law is Big and Grace is Small

By God’s grace, I began to see my error in this attitude towards confession. The first problem was that my view of sin was too small. I had subconsciously reduced sin to a list of dos and don’ts that could be remedied simply by confessing them to God. In reality my sin was much bigger than this. It permeated every part of me causing even my supposed righteous deeds to be worthless in the eyes of God. It went far beyond my actions to the very core of my being. Sin wasn’t something I simply did; it was who I was. Surely, confession had no power against sin when viewed in this light, and my guilt continually reminded me of this fact.

My second problem was that my view of Christ and his blood was also too small. The ever-present feeling of turmoil and condemnation revealed that I didn’t really believe that Christ had sufficiently dealt with my sin. I needed to add my own work, the work of confession, in order to cause Christ’s righteousness to apply to my account. In short, my problem was that I saw my own human effort as the solution to my sin rather than the blood of Christ.

The ultimate solution to these problems was a better understanding of the gospel. I needed to accept by faith that God has truly placed my sin away from him as far as the east is from the west. I needed to realize that on my worst days of sin and failure God accepts me because I am clothed in Christ’s righteousness. I needed the doctrine of justification, and I needed it in heavy doses.

Still Feeling Guilty?

However, what was I to do with the sin that still weighed on me every day? And how was I to deal with confessing that sin? For those of you who may feel the same way let me offer several brief thoughts:

1.  Remember Jesus’ teaching about the letter of the law.

At one point in Jesus’ ministry he allowed his disciples to pick grain to eat on the Sabbath day. When the Pharisees questioned him about what they viewed to be a breaking of God’s law, Jesus replied by saying, “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.” Jesus’ point was that the Sabbath was meant to be a blessing to man not a curse. The Pharisees had taken what God had intended to be a day of peaceful rest and turned it into something people dreaded. I think we can also rightfully say that confession was made for man not man for confession. I believe God’s intention for confession was that it be a blessing to us by bringing us back to the only true place our sin can sufficiently be dealt with. Don’t allow the blessing of confession to become something you dread.

2.  Allow confession to be the servant of a broken and contrite heart.

By this I do not mean that we must wait to confess our sins until our hearts are properly contrite. I simply mean that God is far more concerned with our hearts than in our outward forms of confession. He knows that sometimes all we can do is weep because we do not weep over our sin and mourn because we are not broken like we desire to be.

 3.  Remember that confession is only as good as the extent to which it brings us into contact with the Savior.

While many of us know I John 1:9 by heart and can recite its instruction to confess our sin, perhaps comparatively few of us recognize how significant are the verses following. I John 2:1-2 says, “But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world.” This is the entire foundation for 1:9. This is the reason why God can forgive us and “cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” Without Christ bearing the wrath of God in our place, we would be under wrath. Without Christ’s continual intercession on our behalf we would stand condemned. Yet, Christ has borne God’s wrath for us and he does continually intercede for us! Confession is simply the means to bring us back to a proper recognition and appreciation of these truths.

Magnify God’s Grace

I cannot end without briefly making a plea to those who preach and teach and lead ministries. Please be careful how you deal with the topic of confession. In my experience (and perhaps this is due to my specific circles), teaching on confession is primarily man-centered rather than God-centered. I don’t believe this should be the case. Urge people to deal with their sin and keep short accounts with God, but never divorce it from the teaching of God’s grace that even makes this possible. Don’t allow a culture in which the only type of openness people know before God or others is just as oppressive as a Catholic confessional booth. In all your teaching and leadership focus on the glory and mercy of the gospel and allow the Spirit of God to apply those truths specifically to each life.

I am extremely thankful for the work of God in my life during my journey in the realm of confession. It’s a journey I’m still on. Along the way I have had to come face to face with fundamental errors not just in how I viewed confession but also in the way I viewed and believed the gospel. To quote one of my favorite songs, I had to ask myself the following questions: “Why are you striving these days? Why are you trying to earn grace?” Maybe you need to ask yourself the same questions.

 Spiritual addiction.  It’s the idea that I can’t feel good about my relationship with God unless I ritually fulfil certain “religious” duties.  In this particular lady’s case, her addiction was public repentance—a classic “altar athlete.”  She was obsessed with experiencing a certain kind of emotion in order to make her feel right with God.   For other people their spiritual aberration can take the form of certain private obligations—a set amount of prayer time, the compulsive need to pray through every item on a prayer list, having to be at church every time the doors are open regardless of other responsibilities, robotically ticking off devotions on the daily list of to-do’s.  Another kind of spiritual addiction is the pressure to be always right, to win every religious argument and have all the “right” answers.  What makes these behaviours addictions is not the behaviours themselves. Some of them are excellent spiritual disciplines and necessary means of grace.  But when they are cast in an unhealthy frame of ritual obligation, they can be symptoms of a diseased soul.

 Ask yourself a few questions to discern whether a spiritual behaviour has become an addiction.

 1.  Does unwarranted guilt follow my failure to perform the spiritual task?  For example, if I must stay home with a sick child instead of going to church, do I feel compelled to apologise and explain to cover my “failure.”  Or if my prayer time doesn’t go as planned, do I blame negative outcomes on my shortcomings in prayer?  If a witnessing opportunity didn’t result in scoring watertight arguments, do I feel hopelessly defeated?

2.  Is the obsessiveness of my spiritual behaviours destructive to normal relationships?  If church must come first–no matter what—will a family crisis be improperly managed in order to meet my addictive compulsion to be at church regardless of other real needs.  In high school I had a friend whose mother literally fasted and prayed in her bed for weeks.  Imagine the impact on her family of her being missing-in-action in her motherly role all that time!  That spiritually addictive behaviour was a destructive force in her family.  A healthy relationship with God will bear the fruit of healthy relationships with others.

3.  Do toxic levels of anxiety rise in my soul when I am unable to “get my fix”?  Do I worry about God’s acceptance of me and what other people are thinking about me if I don’t comply with my urges to perform certain spiritual acts or produce certain kinds of emotional responses such as weeping in prayer?  That kind of anxiety is what I observed in the nervous behaviour of the lady who didn’t get a chance to “go forward” at the end of our church service.

4.  Is the law of diminishing returns at work in the process?  In other words, when current levels of spiritual activity fail to produce the desired effect, do I feel the need to do more and try harder in order to feel good spiritually?

Do you see yourself in these addictive patterns?  Do you have a friend who struggles with spiritual obsessions like these?  Contrary  to the thinking of some, feeling guilty does not equal feeling good in a healthy Christian life.  False guilt will lead to false fruit rather than a Spirit-empowered, faith-filled obedience.

Next week, we’ll discuss the distorted theology that drives spiritual addictions and hope for healing of the soul.

**If you would like to read more about spiritual addiction, I recommend the book Soul Repair by VanVonderen, Ryan and Ryan.

“Don’t you think that the pastor’s wife should have a special role in the church?”

“We just want a pastor’s wife who can help us know how to raise our kids and love our husbands.”

“Shouldn’t the pastor’s wife be able to counsel the women in the church?”

“We don’t have a ladies’ ministry at our church.  When we do get a pastor, we want his wife to lead the church women.”

What does the Bible have to say about the pastor’s wife?

Not much really.  We do know that the pastor is to have only one of them, and we can probably assume that she helps him with hospitality and in managing the household well (1 Timothy 3).   Other than that, very little is said about the role of the pastor’s wife per se.  Titus 2’s instructions to all women in the church, older and younger, obviously apply to her as well as all the other women in the church.  But should she have a special role in the church, noticeably different from others?

I think not.

Tradition has taught us that the pastor’s wife is a woman with a distinct role in the church.  Depending on our personal observations of pastor’s wives, our personal picture of her role may vary.  But most agree that the pastor’s wife ministers in a unique “pastor’s wifely” fashion.   However, contrary to the assumptions of many,  the position of pastor’s wife does not require her to teach Sunday school, or run the ladies’ Bible study, or offer personal counselling at all hours, or plan meals for new mums, or organise a playgroup, or clean the church bathrooms, or superintend the Christmas banquet, or visit the elderly, or sing in the choir, and or play the piano.  Nor should she face the pressure of  constantly keeping her brood of children under perfect control at the risk of censure by the church gossips.  Any woman, even the superhero wife of your pastor, who must constantly hold herself accountable to the expectations of others is doomed for exhaustion and failure!  The pastor’s wife, like all members of the body of Christ, needs freedom to flourish in the community of grace in relation to her individual calling (which may be very different from what others expect of her). Like all disciples of Christ, she should be pursuing godliness and contributing to the church community according to her spiritual gifting.  But her personal walk with God and her personal ministry portfolio should be no more subject to public scrutiny than that of any other church member.  Instead of piling up  her to-do list, ask yourself what you yourself are contributing to the building up of the body of Christ (Ephesians 4).  Then give your pastor’s wife the liberty to do the same without the pressure of church tradition’s guilt trip.

What are you doing to encourage your pastor’s wife to be herself in the role that God—not people’s expectations—has given her?

1.  It should be normal in the body of Christ to confess our sins to one another (James 5:16).  Why are we reticent to admit that we are struggling with sin in our lives?  Mothers may struggle with a complaining spirit.  Dads may struggle with self-discipline.  Teens may struggle with fears.  No matter who we are we all stumble in our daily walk and need one another’s help to get up again.  The Greek word used in James 5:16  for “confess” means to acknowledge something that is already true.  The fact that all of us have to fight against sin in our lives is true so why don’t we stop hiding our secret battles and speak up about our needs?

2.  It should be normal in the body of Christ to encourage one another (2 Corinthians 13:11).  Encouragement means taking another person’s concerns seriously and giving her “courage” to keep doing what God wants her to do.  When I acknowledge the validity of my friend’s struggle and come alongside her with God’s truth in word and action, I hold her hand in the battle against the world, the flesh and the devil.  And I hope she will do the same for me.

3.  It should be normal in the body of Christ to read the Bible together.  Paul commands corporate Bible reading in 1 Thessalonians 5:27, but reading the Bible together doesn’t have to be limited to formal church gatherings.  Bible reading can happen at backyard barbecues too.  Opening God’s Word, reading a few verses and discussing them together ought to be as natural to Christians as talking about State of Origin football.

4. It should be normal in the body of Christ to pray together (James 5:16).  How often do we tell a brother or sister  “I’ll be praying for you” when we could just bring it before the throne of grace together on the spot?  One of my most tender recollections of spiritual encouragement was when our family was on missionary deputation.  Discouragement and insecurity must have been written all over my face as a grandfatherly figure approached me in the midst of the Sunday morning crowd.  Putting his arm around my shoulders he simply prayed for me, committing my family and our needs to the Lord in prayer.  Two minutes later he was gone.  But that shaft of heavenly light warms me to this day.  Prayer like that should not be unusual amongst the family of God.

Let’s leave our awkwardness and Aussie bravado behind.  Let’s open our hearts to encourage and be encouraged.  Let’s turn those coffee dates and backyard barbecues into moments of heavenly fellowship.

** Aussie Barbecue photo by Ladymaggic at Flickr

I think it’s unwillingness to change.

From my perch at the beginning of the 21^st century, it seems obvious to say that the last 100 years have brought more change to the world that any previous century in time.  Speed and frequency of communication transmit ideas and trends lightning fast and then discard many of them just as rapidly.  Our culture is constantly morphing to adjust to new information, new public personalities, new interest groups.

Many churches, however, remain untouched by changes in the world around them.  Although a church’s position on various issues may have been relevant when it began fifty years ago, that position now looks like a museum relic in the culture of today.  Few outside of the “faithful remnant” can connect with this church’s emphasis on issues of a bygone era.  It has lost its relevance and therefore its true mission.  Proudly people sing of the “Ol’ Time Religion” and think it equals suits, slow hymns and seventeeth century English.

Let’s take time for a reality check.  The timeless truths of historic Christianity have nothing to do with what we wear, what style of music we prefer, or the archaic suffixes we add to our verbs.  Biblical doctrine is far more robust than many give it credit for.  Substitutionary atonement and the sovereignty of God apply equally to Wall Street, to outback Australia, and to urban squalor in south-east Asia.  The transforming power of the Bible and the Holy Spirit is not tethered to anyone’s culture.  Truth is for all people.

So what does this have to do with church stagnation?  My observation is that leaders in many of the tired churches I have visited are unwilling to listen to others.  They made their stand decades ago and consider change to be sinful compromise.  They don’t realise that being teachable connects intrinsically with growth.

How can we cultivate a culture of growth in the church?  The foremost requirement is a spirit of humility and inquiry that says, “I’m willing to change for the sake of the gospel in my community.” Paul explained this thinking in 1 Corinthians 9:18-23: “I have become all things to all people that by all means I might save some.”

Given that foundational attitude of meekness and flexibility, here are a few questions to help us evaluate how well we are encouraging a teachable spirit within the church.

1.  Are we encouraging each other to read widely and to discuss what we read?

2.  Are church leaders seeking input from the congregation about what the church needs?  Not just an obligatory vote in a business meeting of the congregation—we need to have real and prayerful discussions about genuine needs.  Do church leaders feel threatened when approached by a church member about a need in the church?  Do church members feel that their suggestions are being prayerfully considered?

3.  Are we praying openly and regularly for God to lead the church in the direction that He is working?  Is it possible that some churches are so tenacious about their “stand” on culture issues that God has moved on and they don’t even know it?  May it never be said of us that “ICHABOD” is written over our church door!

4.  Do we get involved in inter-church fellowships?  Do such fellowship meetings involve sharing of ideas and testimonies of how God is working?

5.  Do we fellowship outside of our “safe” circle.  Do we really think God is only working in churches that are just like ours?  What would happen if we encouraged attendance at conferences outside our circle?

Join the discussion and add your ideas about how we can foster a teachable spirit in our churches.

“A faith without some doubts is like a human body without any antibodies in it.  People who blithely go through life too busy or indifferent to ask hard questions about why they believe as they do will find themselves defenseless against either the experience of tragedy or the proving questions of a smart skeptic.  A person’s faith can collapse almost overnight if she has failed over the years to listen patiently to her own doubts, which should only be discarded after long reflection.  Believers should acknowledge and wrestle with doubts – not only their own but their friends’ and neighbors’.  It is no longer sufficient to hold beliefs just because you inherited them.  Only if you struggle long and hard with objections to your faith will you be able to provide grounds for your beliefs to skeptics, including yourself, that are plausible rather than ridiculous or offensive…”

The two questions I wrote in the margin of the book were as follows: “what do I doubt” and “what is the role of doubt within the context of Christian education?”  I would like to talk through the former more personal question now and the latter question in my next post.

When I asked myself the question – what do I doubt?  The answer was not immediately apparent.  The first place I looked was at the traditional culprit – crisis.  At the time of reflection and at the time of writing there is no crisis in my life, relationships, or circumstances.  While many people seem to be living in a Dickens novel my life at this time feels more like an Asterix comic (near the inevitable banquet scene).

In the absence of identifiable doubt I started looking at the environment that could lead to doubt and this stark warning “A person’s faith can collapse almost overnight if she has failed over the years to listen patiently to her own doubts, which should only be discarded after long reflection.”  I thought about the following questions in the context of my own spiritual life and I believe they have wider application among believers:

Am I relying on past spiritual experiences instead of present day spiritual vitality?  Do I refer to things that God has done last year or even decades ago without any thought to what God is doing in my own life right now?

Does the absence of doubt reflect spiritual contentment or indifference?  It is very easy (especially as men) to become invested in work or lifestyle pursuits that appear to fill the God-sized hole that we have in our lives.  If life was a game of charades would I be labeled as content or indifferent?

Am I living towards my ultimate purpose?  There are many good things that I could be doing with my time and relationships – but are they the best things?  How does my life reflect my ultimate purpose?

JK