The older women are to teach, the younger women to learn:

To love our husbands

To love our children

To be self-controlled

To be pure (Pt. 1, 2, and 3)

To be working at home

To be kind

To be submissive to our own husbands

What is the purpose of striving after these virtues?   Is it merely to have a happy home and strong families like the good old days?  Certainly, exhibiting these virtues brings great blessing to our homes and to our lives, but there is a much higher purpose.  Titus 2:5 states this purpose:  that the word of God may not be reviled. As Christian wives and mothers we have incredible opportunity to “preach” the gospel to those around us.  You see, the world is watching us.  They want to see if what we say we believe really makes a difference in our lives.  They put on a front that they are happy and fulfilled, but we know that no true satisfaction and joy can be found apart from Christ.

These few paragraphs from Feminine Appeal are helpful in understanding the big picture.

The commands in Titus 2 have been given to us for an all-important reason that transcends time and culture.  That reason is the gospel of Jesus Christ.  These virtues are not about our personal fulfillment or individual preference.  They are required for the sake of unbelievers—so that those who are lost might come to know our Savior.

Our conduct has a direct influence on how people think about the gospel.  The world doesn’t judge us by our theology; the world judges us by our behavior.  People don’t necessarily want to know what we believe about the Bible.  They want to see if what we believe makes a difference in our lives.  Our actions either bring honor to God or misrepresent His truth.

Make no mistake, by adorning the gospel, we are not enhancing or improving it.  The gospel cannot be improved!  But by cultivating the feminine qualities listed in Titus 2, we can present the gospel as attractive, impressive, and pleasing to a watching world.

Treasures to Share

I’ve recommended it before and have talked much about this book during this series, and hopefully if you haven’t read it yet I’ve wetted your appetite enough for you to get a copy and read it for yourself.  Feminine Appeal is one of the most biblically balanced and thorough book that I have read on this subject of biblical womanhood.  It is well worth your time to read and read again.

When we look at God’s Word, we realize that quite the contrary is true.   God does require wives to submit to their husbands (Eph. 5:22-24, Col. 3:18, Titus 2:5, 1 Peter 3:1-5).   God designed for marriage to work best by the husband lovingly leading and the wife humbly submitting.  What exactly is submission?  Submission is willingly putting oneself under the authority of another.  It is important to take note of a few things in regard to submission:

• Perhaps you cringe when you think of submission.  This is most likely due to you seeing an example of submission that has been abused.  True biblical submission is blessed by God and yields a marriage that is beautiful both to God and to others.
• We must realize that submission does not mean that we are inferior to our husbands.  God’s Word makes it clear that we are equal in worth and value to our husbands.  Submission is the role that God has given to us as wives to complement our husbands.
• Nowhere in Scripture does God condone male dominance or superiority.  It is wrong to ever think that men are better than women.  We are all one before God.
• God instituted submission as a means of reflecting the relationship of Christ and the church (Eph 5:22-23).  “The husband is to mirror the sacrificial love of Christ by laying down his life for his wife, and the wife is to exemplify the church’s joyful submission to Christ by following her husband’s leadership” (Carolyn Mahaney).
• Genesis 3:16 helps us understand why we struggle with submitting to our husbands.  A consequence of the Fall is that as wives we now have a sinful tendency to want our own way and resist the authority of our husbands.
• We are to be our husband’s helpers.  It is important for our husbands to receive our input and opinions.  However, if there is a conflict that cannot be resolved, the wife must “honor and affirm” her husband’s leadership by letting him have the final say.
• We are to submit to our own husbands, not to all men.
• Having an ungodly or unsaved husband does not give an excuse to not submit.  1 Peter 1:6 says that wives are to submit “even if some do not obey the word.”
• Submission to our husbands should never violate any of God’s commands.  God is our ultimate authority.  If our husbands are doing something that we feel is detrimental to our families, we should appeal to our husbands and seek help together from a godly counselor.
• Submission has the power to influence an unbelieving husband.  The godly conduct of a wife has power to preach much louder than words ever could.
• Submission brings about true inner beauty.  It is the “secret to authentic, timeless beauty”.  (1 Peter 3:3-5)
• “Submission, in its simplest form, is trust in God, who is completely trustworthy.”  It is trusting God to lead my husband, to lead me.

The true woman is not afraid to place herself in a position of submission.  She does not have to grasp; she does not have to control.  Her fear dissolves in the light of God’s covenant promise to be her God and to live within her.  Submission is simply a demonstration of her confidence in the sovereign power of the Lord God. (Susan Hunt)

“Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. Do not let your adornment be merely outward — arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel —  rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror.”  1 Peter 3:1-6

Treasures to Share

If you desire to understand more about the complementary roles in marriage, Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood is an excellent tool to help.  It is very thorough and biblical in its approach.

Among other helpful resources, you’ll find a concise statement on biblical manhood and womanhood at this site.

Carolyn Mahaney, in her book Feminine Appeal, gives some very helpful insight into this topic of kindness.

• While kindness and goodness are often used interchangeably, it’s helpful to understand their definitions separately.

“Kindness is a sincere desire for the happiness of others.”

“Goodness is the activity calculated to advance that happiness.”  (Jerry Bridges)

• There are several hindrances to kindness:

Anger – “Expressions of anger reveal sinful desires in our hearts, cravings that are not being satisfied.”  When we are angry, we are saying that there is something that we want that we are not getting.  Sometimes our desires are not necessarily wrong.  The problem is that we want something more than we want to glorify God by being kind.  Having a clean house is not a wrong desire.  It is wrong when I desire that so much that I get angry at the children because they just tracked mud in on my clean floor.  I’m showing by my angry response that I value a clean house more than showing kindness to my children.

Bitterness – It has often been said that those who love you the most will also hurt you the most.  In our closest relationships there will be times of hurt and offense.  We must guard ourselves against harboring those hurts.  Harbored hurts quickly turn into bitterness.  How do we know if we are bitter?  If we are replaying the incident in our minds again and again or withdrawing from the relationship, we are most likely exhibiting signs of bitterness.  Instead we should reflect on the mercy that God has showed to each of us in forgiving us of our sins and be quick to show that same mercy to others.

Judging – Are we quick to look for the worst in others, to assume the worst of our husband and children?  “Sinful judging can wreak havoc with the desire for our husbands’ and children’s happiness; therefore, we must be vigilant in our efforts to resist this temptation.”  We need to think the best of our husband and children and not jump to hasty conclusions.

• Certainly there are many ways in which we can show kindness and goodness to our family.  Carolyn suggests five such ways:

Praying – No one knows the needs of my husband and children better than I do.  Who better then to pray for them than me?  We need to regularly be praying for our family – for their temptations, struggles, disappointments, and pressures, and need to encourage them by telling them that we are praying for them.

Greeting – “Our family members should be the recipients of our most enthusiastic greetings.  When they awake each morning, call on the telephone, or enter the house, this seemingly small act of greeting will go a long way to advance their happiness.”

Listening – “Taking a sincere interest in what our husbands and children desire to communicate is a primary way to bring them joy.”   It is important to remember that listening is more than just keeping quiet.  Listening requires our undivided attention.

Encouraging – “Daily we should bestow much more encouragement than correction or criticism.  We should be on the lookout for praiseworthy actions that glorify God and point out these evidences of grace to our husbands and children.  Specific encouragement of this kind will strengthen their souls and provoke them to godliness.”

Planning – We must be deliberate in our pursuit of kindness and goodness to our families.  Showing kindness doesn’t just happen.  We need to look for ways to show kindness individually to each member of our family.  Think about each person in your family – their likes and dislikes – and seek to do something even today to make them happy.

For wives and mothers, our homes should be our principal place of work and working at home should be a constant priority in our lives. Is this to say that a woman should never work outside the home?  Certainly not.  Scripture gives many examples of godly women who contributed to their family financially.  However, working outside the home should never be to the neglect of our family.  There are some occasions where extenuating circumstances necessitate that the wife provide the primary income for the family, such as a single mother or a family where the husband is physically unable to work.  So if those are the rare occasions, why do we find so many young wives and mothers in the workplace?  Is it perhaps due to a desire to meet with social expectations?  Or perhaps it is an unwillingness to make the necessary sacrifices to live on a single income?  When we are faced with the decision to pursue some venture outside the home, it is important to evaluate our motives for doing so.  I think you will find the following questions helpful:

• What are my reasons for pursuing this opportunity?  Are they selfish or God-honoring?
• Will pursuing this venture glorify God and honor the gospel?
• Is this an undertaking that will help my husband?
• Will it enhance and enrich the lives of my family?
• Does this endeavor hinder my role as caretaker of my home?

(Taken from Feminine Appeal, by Carolyn Mahaney, page 105)

It is not only important to understand our role as workers at home but also to take great delight and joy in filling that role.  Let’s pursue our role as managers of our homes with creativity and enthusiasm, always seeking to learn and improve.  We all have unique abilities and talents and should put them to use in our homes.  One last important note about homemaking – we must remember that our homemaking is for the purpose of helping our husbands.  Our goal should not be to be the best homemaker in the church.  Just because Susie has a flourishing garden does not mean that you need to do the same.  Perhaps your husband would rather have cookies in the jar than flowers on the table.  Constantly evaluate what you’re doing and make sure that it is with the motive to help your husband.   Regularly ask him what you can do to help him or if there is anything that you can do better or differently to manage the home to his liking.

May God give us grace and strength each day to manage our homes with delight!

Treasures to Share

Emilies Barnes has written numerous books on the subject of homemaking.  She is well-known for her organizational skills and has a wealth of practical tips to help manage your home more effectively.  Here are some you might find helpful:

The Quick-Fix Home Organizer

101 Ways to Clean out the Clutter

Emilie’s Creative Home Organizer

Whatever state you currently find yourself in, whether single or married, God requires purity in your relationships. In Romans 13, God’s Word tells us to “put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts.” Left to our own sinful desires we will struggle to resist temptation. Therefore, we must make a conscious effort to keep from putting ourselves in a position in which we will be vulnerable to temptation. Here are some questions to consider as you think about this area of purity in relationships.

For single women:

• Do I have standards and convictions regarding physical activity in a relationship clearly thought out and written down? Have I based those convictions on God’s Word or my own opinions?
• Am I focusing right now on being who God wants me to be? Am I pursuing godliness?
• Am I making room for the flesh by being alone with my boyfriend?
• Am I making myself accountable to my parents or another authority in my life?
• Am I running away from sexual immorality or am I running to it?
• Are my emails/text messages flirtatious or am I pursuing purity even with my words?
• Am I looking for a relationship to satisfy me?

For married women:

• Am I entertaining thoughts of another man besides my husband?
• Am I careful not to share my husband’s faults/marriage problems with another man?
• Do men in my workplace think of me as flirtatious?
• Am I careful to avoid being alone with another man?
• Do I open myself up emotionally to a man besides my husband?
• Am I toying with sexual immorality by chatting with a man online?
• Am I committed to my husband and pursuing an exciting sexual relationship with him?

When, where and with whom are you most tempted to satisfy your desires and give in to the flesh?   God demands purity of us.  His Word is very clear.  There is no gray area.  He tells us to not make provision for the flesh.  It is imperative that we devise a biblical strategy to keep us from giving in to our sinful desires.  Let’s also be careful to not think that we are above a certain temptation, and remember that God gives the strength to obey what He demands.

Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall. No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it. 1 Corinthians 10:12-13

Sometimes the way of escape is to avoid temptation in the first place!

Treasures to Share

Passion and Purity: Learning to Bring Your Love Life Under Christ’s Control by Elisabeth Elliot is an excellent book and especially influential for young women who desire to follow God’s command to live a life of purity.

Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

Years ago these verses became very meaningful to me after my Dad’s unexpected death.  The grief and heartache I felt during those weeks and months and years after his death sometimes felt like I was going to be consumed – that it was all just too much and I couldn’t cope with it another day.  But God’s Word gives us a tremendous promise – because of His mercies we are not consumed.   Each day His compassions are there to give us strength for another day.  He is faithful.  He will never leave or forsake us.  He is always there.  When I go to bed at night, I can rest in Him knowing that the same mercy that He provided today will be there tomorrow.

Even when we are struggling with the ordinary trials of daily life, we can rest in God’s faithfulness to us and know that there is nothing that He will let into our lives that will consume us.  These past two weeks, my husband has been away on a mission’s trip, and there have been days as I’ve been home alone with three young children that I have felt like I might be consumed – that I couldn’t possibly go another day in these circumstances.   I have had to stop and remind myself again of God’s promise of mercy and faithfulness to me.  His grace is sufficient, and He gives strength to meet the challenges each day holds.  We all go through difficult times.  Yes, some are more trying than others.  But there is no circumstance where God’s mercy is not enough!

By the way, there is much rejoicing in our home today because we are off to the airport this morning to pick Daddy up!

Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world.   Philippians 2:14-15

We must be diligent and zealous to pursue purity.  Great discernment is needed to be pure in an impure world.   We cannot walk through life willy-nilly, living on impulses and doing whatever we deem best.   We must carefully line up our thoughts and actions according to God’s standard, not our own.

You might find the following questions helpful as you seek to discern whether your thoughts and actions are pure.

• Is it evil/bad?  1 Corinthians 10:6; Romans 12:9, 21
• Is it expedient/best?  1 Corinthians 6:12, 1 Corinthians 10:23
• Is it enslaving/binding?  1 Corinthians 6:12, 2 Peter 2:19, Romans 14:19
• Is it edifying/building?  Romans 14:19; 1 Corinthians 10:23

God has granted us forgiveness of sin and has also provided us with the power we need to overcome sin – to be pure “in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation”.   May He help us each day to set our minds on things above!

If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is our life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory. Therefore put to death your members which are on the earth: fornication, uncleanness, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. Colossians 3:1-5

This week in our series of the biblical qualities of the young women, we come to the little word, “pure”.   Yes, it’s a small word, but we could certainly spend weeks unpacking its meaning.  In fact, I intend to do just that.  This week we will focus on one important aspect of purity: modesty.   Now, some of you may be contemplating skipping this post, but please bear with me for a few minutes.  Perhaps you might have the idea that modesty is just for those ultra-conservative legalists.  Maybe you think modesty means that God intends for Christian ladies to dress frumpy, dowdy, old-fashioned, or as if they have borrowed their grandmother’s clothes.  However, modesty is, in fact, a quality that God requires of us as Christian women, so let’s take a closer look at what that means.

Paul writes “that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works.” (1 Timothy 2:9-10)  God is more concerned with our inner character than our outward appearance, but that does not mean we have the liberty to dress however we want.  In fact, our outward appearance should actually be a reflection of our inner heart.  “Modesty is the outward and often the most visible mark of a biblical young woman.”¹ The Bible does not specifically outline what a woman is or is not supposed to wear.  But it does mandate that we dress with modesty and self-control.  Our own opinions and ideas about clothing should not be the standard for how we dress.  God’s Word is the standard.  “All the ways of a [woman] are pure in [her] own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirit.” (Proverbs 16:2)   We are to show restraint and moderation in our dress.  A woman who seeks to bring honor to God will dress in a manner that reflects that desire.  Likewise, a woman who dresses in revealing, seductive, immodest clothing dishonors God.

How does a woman discern the sometimes fine line between proper dress and dressing to be the center of attention?  The answers starts in the intent of the heart.  A woman should examine her motives and goals for the way she dresses.  Is her intent to show the grace and beauty of womanhood?  Is it to reveal a humble heart devoted to worshiping God?  Or is it to call attention to herself, and flaunt her beauty?  Or worse, to attempt to allure men sexually?  A woman who focuses on worshiping God will consider carefully how she is dressed because her heart will dictate her wardrobe and appearance. (John MacArthur)

Modesty is not only important because it honors God, but it is also important to protect our brothers in Christ.  I can almost hear those cries of protest, “But if a Christian man thinks impure thoughts because of what I wear, that’s his problem.”  Dear sister, can I please appeal to you, that while a man is most certainly accountable to God for his thoughts, we should not make it any harder for him to think pure thoughts than it already is.  In our current society, our Christian brothers are bombarded with scantily clad women everywhere they go.  What a shame it is when they show up to church only to find that they have to fight the same struggle they’ve faced all week to think pure thoughts because the Christian lady sitting in front of them is dressed immodestly.   Let’s be careful to not create a stumbling block for our brothers.

Maybe we need to ask our husband, father, or another Christian lady if what we wear is modest.  Perhaps, we need to make a wardrobe adjustment.  The next time you go shopping for clothes, consider taking a girlfriend along and ask her advice on whether that new top or skirt is modest.  Let’s not be so fashion-conscious that we throw our modesty out the window.

¹Mahaney, Carolyn and Nicole Mahaney Whitacre, Girl Talk, (Wheaton, Ill.: Crossway Books, 2005), 138.

Treasures to Share

Perhaps you realize modesty is an area that you need some help with.  Take some time to look over this Modesty Heart Check.

Also, Nancy DeMoss has published a helpful little book entitled The Look: Does God Really Care What I Wear?

Food

Consuming too much, too little or the wrong kinds of food shows a lack of self-control. We need to eat to the glory of God. Yes, food is a gift from God to be enjoyed, but it is important to recognize that overeating is sin. Eating to allay our fears, disappointments and depression is also a sin. We should find our comfort in Christ and not in food. It’s important to note that it is possible to be disciplined in this area but with wrong motives. If we are looking for attention from others or trying to meet the physical values of our society, our discipline is not glorifying to God. The question we need to ask is whether we are eating to gratify our own sinful desires or to please God.

Sleep

God created rest, and we need to make sure we are getting the proper rest that we need. But if you’re like me, you might find that your temptation is not to get too little sleep but to get too much. How do we know what is the right amount of sleep? We need to look at our priorities and make sure that we have allowed ourselves the time necessary to commune with God, to meet the needs of our families and to take care of our home duties.

Time

Self-control not only gives the ability to say no to sinful desires but also to follow through with godly desires. Nothing is more important than our daily communion with God. Do we find ourselves giving the excuse that we don’t have time to read God’s Word? If so, we are showing that we have a problem being disciplined with our time. We’ll find time for the things that we want to do. We live in an age that is full of distractions – television, movies, facebook, hobbies, sports, pleasure. We need to be vigilant to use our time wisely.

Speech

Are we disciplined with our tongue? Are we characterized by someone who talks too much? Are we given to gossip? Our words have great power to destroy or to encourage. Let’s make sure we’re showing discipline by thinking before we speak.

Thoughts

It’s estimated that we think over 10,000 thoughts per day. Sinful thoughts will result in sinful behaviors. We need to guard our hearts and minds. Are our thoughts consumed by fear, worry, and anxiety? Someone has once said that we need to stop listening to ourselves and start talking to ourselves. We need to discipline our minds to think on God and things that are true.

It’s important to remember that when God commands us to do something, He gives the ability to obey. We’re halfway through the year and probably have found that all those great ambitions and desires we had at the beginning of the year to be disciplined have dwindled. The temptation we may find though is to get up tomorrow and gather up all our energy to be more disciplined only to fall right back down. We cannot go in our own strength. We need to draw on God’s sustaining grace each day for the strength to lead a disciplined life.

My three little ones are all sleeping peacefully in their beds, the house is quiet, and I just finished reviewing a chapter in Feminine Appeal on loving my children.  I find myself encouraged and reinvigorated for tomorrow to love my children with a tender, affectionate love.  Yet I know the same challenges that faced me today are going to be there again tomorrow.  There will be the early wake-up call, laundry to wash, schooling to do, crumbs to clean up under the table, dirty nappies, messy faces and hands, fighting, fussing, and disobedience to deal with, and that’s just the morning.  If I’m not careful I’ll find myself quickly swallowed up by resentment, self-pity and complaining as I care for my children.  I’m so busy “doing” for my children that I forget to enjoy them.  That’s why Paul again chooses to use phileo in Titus 2 to describe the love we are to show our children, a tender, affectionate love full of joy and delight in our children.

As mothers, we have a choice.  We can either resent the challenges and demands that accompany motherhood and persist in our selfishness, or we can draw from God’s grace and receive His help to cheerfully lay down our lives for our children. (Feminine Appeal, Carolyn Mahaney, pg. 53)

In an effort to enjoy our children, we might tend to drift to the opposite extreme of over-indulging our children.  We need to beware of becoming tolerant of ungodly behavior by giving in to their every demand, wish and desire.  Showing affectionate love does not conflict with the need to teach and train them.  In fact, Proverbs 13:24 tells us that withholding discipline is actually a sign of hatred, not love.

How can we show tender, affectionate love to our children?

• By tender thoughts.  We need to think of our children as God’s Word describes them, as blessings, rewards, and a heritage not as the world so often describes them as responsibilities, sacrifices, work and burdens.
• By tender behaviour.  Our love need not be complicated or expensive.  It can be as simple as spending time reading a book, sitting and listening, singing a song, cooking together.  So often it’s those seemingly insignificant moments that our children enjoy the most and sense our love the most.

Above all, our highest objective with our children needs to be to show them Christ.  As mothers we have a great opportunity to influence our children to receive Christ.  We cannot save our children.  God must draw them.  But He can use our tender love as an instrument in bringing them to Himself.  Our goal must always be to show our children their need to repent of their sins and trust in Christ as their Saviour and to then reflect Christ in their every action, word, and deed.

Yes, it is an awesome responsibility.  Our own strength is not sufficient for the task.  We need to draw on God’s grace each day.  And His grace is sufficient to give us the strength to love our children affectionately, tenderly, and joyfully!

Treasures to Share

I may have shared some of these resources before, but I thought I would use this opportunity to recommend some great books on parenting.

• Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp
• Instructing a Child’s Heart by Tedd and Margy Tripp
• Teach Them Diligently by Lou Priolo
• Don’t Make Me Count to Three: A Mom’s Look at Heart-Oriented Discipline by Ginger Plowman
• The Mission of Motherhood; The Ministry of Motherhood; and The Mom Walk by Sally Clarkson
• Everyday Talk: Talking Freely and Naturally about God with your Children by John Younts